When you wish upon a star
First thing’s first, I’m surprised that people are following my blog. For which I’m very grateful. This is a way for me to speak freely, as my thoughts tend to run long in their original format, status updates on my Facebook page.
I’m hopelessly addicted to nostalgia. Living in the past is a safety blanket protecting me from the uncertainty of the present and the future. Even if some of those memories are ones that would be best left forgotten.
Prom night was ten years ago tonight. I wanted to go to prom this time as I missed the one in middle school held at Bruno’s on the Boulevard, a few blocks from my house. It sounds cliche but I wanted that one shining moment to end a senior year that had the milestones of me walking for the first time without a brace on my right leg and passing the Math A regents to ensure graduation. Like everything that happens in life, things don’t work out the way you want them to.
It was a Wednesday evening, June 4th 2003. Both my sister & I had our proms that same evening, so there were pictures of us taken before we both left the house. She into a limo with her friends, me into my dad’s 1988 Cadillac Fleetwood and its busted interior. Since the prom was at Club VIP in New Rochelle, I played navigator with the directions written on a piece of paper. But it rained so heavily during the evening that the entrance to the Whitestone Expressway was obscured and we got lost and ended up in Brooklyn. We would get lost two more times before arriving at the venue.
Due to the inability of finding a date for the night, I went to the prom alone. The table I sat at was with four people who knew each other but I didn’t know any of them. As my classmates and teachers were at the surrounding tables, a steady stream of visitors came by to check and see how I was doing. It was an awkward yet familiar experience of being with people and not saying anything but I told everyone I was enjoying myself.
The night was still without its shining moment. I went over to the next table and found my friend and classmate Synthia and she knew that I wanted a dance with her but I couldn’t bring myself to say so but she did and asked me “do you want to dance?”. I said yes and we headed onto the floor just as the prom king and queen were crowned “The Bachelor/Bachelorette” style, decided at random with roses. To Kelly Clarkson’s “A Moment Like This”, we danced and I took it all in silently and felt the night turning the corner.
The joy of the moment didn’t last long. As with Cinderella, when midnight came, the coach turned into a pumpkin. My dad came into the room and told me it was time to go as he had to go to work later that morning. I wanted to convince him to let me stay til the end but I couldn’t do it, so I left without saying a word.
Two days later, it was Senior day and the yearbooks were distributed. In the middle of getting it signed, I retold this story and it was funny for everyone who heard it. But for me, I couldn’t look at it through anything but the wrong prism and couldn’t let it be. In trying to let go, I tore up all the pictures I took with the disposable camera I had on me, but not before giving the other set of pictures back to those who posed with me in the pictures. I will always be grateful to Synthia for giving me that one moment of joy. There is one other reminder of the evening besides the memories, the suit I wore that evening is still in my closet and used for formal occasions because it still fits me.
The title of this post was also the theme of the prom. If I could wish upon a star, I’d wish for more confidence to handle social situations, not be afraid of them. Without having to be goaded into them by friends, or having a drink in my hand or both. I would give socializing one on my own one more try at a Halloween party during Freshman year of college but that didn’t go well and I retreated behind the wall I’d built for myself as Senior year ended to keep everyone else out.
